10 Things I Wish I Knew in High School

 

Like many young adults around the world, high school wasn’t really the most amazing experience for me. This was due in large part because I was internally battling with a lot of anxiety. The cafeteria was a daily struggle feeling the pressure of hundreds of students surrounding me, afraid of siting alone; being an outcast. Also, there was the struggle of not being confident enough to express myself through my clothing or certain interests. Today, although I have made peace with my past, if I had the opportunity to give my 14-year-old self some advice before entering high school I would. So here’s a list of things I would say to freshman Mara:

1. They’re not as scary as they look. Talk to people, crack a joke, make friends. They’re more often than not just as terrified as you. You may make them comfortable enough to open up and maybe even start a friendship.

2. Those people who look down on you. The ones who think they’re the coolest thing to walk the earth. Their coolness won’t matter once they exit this school. Everyone goes back to 0 once this is over and none of this will matter anymore. It’ll all be but a distant memory of when you were young.

3. Wear whatever you want and act the way you are. It doesn’t matter if they don’t like you or what you’re wearing so long as you do.

4. Join clubs. Even if you don’t think you’re good at something, just go for it. Who knows you might actually find you really like it or good at it.

5. Spirit Week is fun. Go show some school pride, make some cool memories.

6. You are beautiful. All of you is beautiful, your face, your hands, your hips, your legs. All of it. A guy that doesn’t appreciate all of you, does not deserve you.

7. As a matter of fact, don’t even bother dating. You are so young and have a whole life ahead of you to date. Focus on getting to know who you are; your likes, your dislikes, everything. Let love come when it comes.

8. Fangirl as much as your little heart desires. Although it doesn’t matter if you do it when you’re older, this is the only time when you will really have time. So beg your parents to go to concerts, make friends that are into the music you like and simply enjoy it. You might not know this now but music is what you love.

9. Speak up,¬†even if you think you might sound “stupid”, which you won’t. Say what’s on your mind. Not only might you benefit others but you can benefit yourself.

10. Give your all in everything. Honestly, it’s one of the most rewarding feelings you can experience. Not only will you get good grades but you will unleash your potential and might even find passion for something you didn’t know you had.

There it is. This is the advice I would give my 14-year-old self. Is there anything you would add? Let me know in the comment section. Love you always.

Xoxo,

Mara

 

Advertisements

Dear Ex-boyfriend

Dear ex-boyfriend,
“I love you”, three small, but immensely meaningful words, that you said to me. Those words that I had heard over, and over in every romantic movie that I had watched since I can remember being able to understand. You know those key words that made people jump for joy, cry of happiness, give up everything they thought that they ever wanted because it seemed like that was all they ever needed? Yeah those words. You said them to me.

Now, I can’t say that it made everything around me perfect or that everything fell into place, but it made something inside me feel right. It made me feel like for a moment my life was complete. I had everything I needed to move foward. Every crappy moment that I could have in a day, whether I got in an argument with my mom or I embarrassingly forgot to do a homework assignment for one of my classes, they were so insignificant in comparison to seeing you and getting those raging butterflies in my stomach and a seemingly permanent smile glued to my face.

It was that thing I had been missing for a while. Something I had unknowingly desired for so long. That image of a male figure in my life that I could hold on to was there and I didn’t want it to disappear. Because see although you may have only seen part of the picture, the one where my mom was always there and I didn’t really mention my dad. There was more. A deeper wound of a little girl that saw her parents break up at five years old, and from then forward only saw her dad everyonce in a while. But I wanted more, I craved the male component that would complete the picture, even if it was only mine.

So, needless to say when a couple months later your silence was the response I got when I asked I guess we’re not together anymore? you could say it tore me apart. See in the movies, no one tells you about what happens when it doesn’t last. What happens when they stop expressing the love they said they had as if it wasn’t even love to begin with. Because love is forever right? So what was this? What was this incompleteness? This cutting short. It sure wasn’t love.

It took a while for me to understand, but now, many years later, I stand, older and wiser and I’ve realized a lot. I’ve realized, that what we had although very sweet and innocent wasn’t love but the longing for it. It was the outpouring of my strengths to make it be something that it wasn’t. See you couldn’t have given me what I was looking for. I was looking for stability someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I was looking for the missing image of my dad, something I would never have been able to find in you.We were both so young and naive,  not even remotely ready for the commitment that love entails.  I expected so much of you and I apologize.

I apologize for taking it hard. For not wanting to let you go and making myself look like a fool as I continously sought for ways to fix us, ways to reignite the match of what I thought was just a dimmed fire of love. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable and for letting things between us get extremely awkward for those fleeting high school years. If I could take it back I would.

And most of all, I forgive you, because although I now understand that this was just a part of life, I for so long held a seed of hostility and anger towards you. You didn’t deserve to have that spot in my heart and I release you from it. And so, I can now truthfully say that wherever you are in life at this moment, I hope that you’re happy and that you are able to give and receive the love that every single person on this earth deserves to experience. I hope you make someone a great partner some day. All the best to you.

Sincerely,

your not so crazy ex girlfriend