Dear Ex-boyfriend

Dear ex-boyfriend,
“I love you”, three small, but immensely meaningful words, that you said to me. Those words that I had heard over, and over in every romantic movie that I had watched since I can remember being able to understand. You know those key words that made people jump for joy, cry of happiness, give up everything they thought that they ever wanted because it seemed like that was all they ever needed? Yeah those words. You said them to me.

Now, I can’t say that it made everything around me perfect or that everything fell into place, but it made something inside me feel right. It made me feel like for a moment my life was complete. I had everything I needed to move foward. Every crappy moment that I could have in a day, whether I got in an argument with my mom or I embarrassingly forgot to do a homework assignment for one of my classes, they were so insignificant in comparison to seeing you and getting those raging butterflies in my stomach and a seemingly permanent smile glued to my face.

It was that thing I had been missing for a while. Something I had unknowingly desired for so long. That image of a male figure in my life that I could hold on to was there and I didn’t want it to disappear. Because see although you may have only seen part of the picture, the one where my mom was always there and I didn’t really mention my dad. There was more. A deeper wound of a little girl that saw her parents break up at five years old, and from then forward only saw her dad everyonce in a while. But I wanted more, I craved the male component that would complete the picture, even if it was only mine.

So, needless to say when a couple months later your silence was the response I got when I asked I guess we’re not together anymore? you could say it tore me apart. See in the movies, no one tells you about what happens when it doesn’t last. What happens when they stop expressing the love they said they had as if it wasn’t even love to begin with. Because love is forever right? So what was this? What was this incompleteness? This cutting short. It sure wasn’t love.

It took a while for me to understand, but now, many years later, I stand, older and wiser and I’ve realized a lot. I’ve realized, that what we had although very sweet and innocent wasn’t love but the longing for it. It was the outpouring of my strengths to make it be something that it wasn’t. See you couldn’t have given me what I was looking for. I was looking for stability someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I was looking for the missing image of my dad, something I would never have been able to find in you.We were both so young and naive,  not even remotely ready for the commitment that love entails.  I expected so much of you and I apologize.

I apologize for taking it hard. For not wanting to let you go and making myself look like a fool as I continously sought for ways to fix us, ways to reignite the match of what I thought was just a dimmed fire of love. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable and for letting things between us get extremely awkward for those fleeting high school years. If I could take it back I would.

And most of all, I forgive you, because although I now understand that this was just a part of life, I for so long held a seed of hostility and anger towards you. You didn’t deserve to have that spot in my heart and I release you from it. And so, I can now truthfully say that wherever you are in life at this moment, I hope that you’re happy and that you are able to give and receive the love that every single person on this earth deserves to experience. I hope you make someone a great partner some day. All the best to you.

Sincerely,

your not so crazy ex girlfriend

 

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